So....it is now officially 45 days until the Chicago Marathon...
Doom has been setting in; my head, my stomach, and life....i have never been so terrified of failing something. I have had so much support from my friends and family, there is nothing like having 25 cheerleaders at my beck and call, Thanks guys :) - yet i am having a hard time believing in myself. If you know me well, you know that this is nothing new, i guess my confidence hasn't made it as far as my endurance has on this journey.
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My main issue: I don't feel ready - I'm scared of letting everyone down. I know I still have 45 days, but I can't seem to shake that dwelling, sinking feeling of failure. I am nervous about not finishing before the 6 hour and 30 minute mark, I am terrified that the officials will pull me out of the race before i can finish, and the husband will be waiting to take a finish line picture, and I will never come....I am scared about getting injured, and most of all I am so scared of letting everyone down, especially the people that have donated towards me and my cause.
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This, my friends, is where you slap me and say "SUCK IT UP SISTER!"....wow thanks i needed that. There is no more "I can't" and "I won't", from now on, I will only focus on images of me crossing that finish line. It's time to get rid of the pity party! I know that as long as I do my best, that you guys will still love me and support me. Sometimes it takes having to write things out for me to really grasp what is really going on in my head. Thanks for letting me vent!
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Now on to my progress...
It has been slow - I have had a nagging shin splint that just won't leave my side or rather my leg. So I took a few days off from running here and there. I went for a 5 mile run the other night and it felt great, yet on this 5 mile run, one question kept bothering me "When do I feel the runner's high that everyone talks about?" really, where is it? i have done 3 mile runs, 8 mile runs, 12 mile runs and even a 14 mile run and have never never never felt a high! If anything I have felt desperation and very possibly that "wall" that people refer to....
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In Wikipedia terms, the runners high, is a rush of endorphins. Endorphins are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during strenuous exercise. Endorphins work as natural pain relievers. ummmmm, okay, hellooooooo? waiting to meet you endorphins, really would have liked to see you on that 14 mile run a few Sunday's ago!
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I have noticed there are two things that help me keep going when I just feel like I can't anymore.
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1. I think about all of the people in my life that have been directly affected by cancer; Florence Heckerson, Wendell Heckerson, Donald Messenger, Mary Maxted and I fight for each of them one running step at a time. They carry me through one mile to the next, I am fighting for them and fighting against the demon called cancer. Knowing that I am fighting for them, inspires me to keep going and it is an amazing feeling of inspiration that carries me along the remaining trail.
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2. I imagine myself in the moment. The moment when I will cross the finish line on October 11th. The great feeling of accomplishment. The feeling that I had just finished something that not everyone can do. I read a quote not too long ago and it went something like "they wouldn't call it a marathon, if everyone could do it". This is so true, I have put in so much time, dedication, and heart that it is stupid to let a side ache stop me from taking another step. So therefore, this keeps me going..... I know, I can, I will!
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Sorry this was kind of a strange post, there have been many things going through my head the last couple of weeks. Stay tuned - there's more to come!
If anyone would like to donate towards me and children with cancer - you can do so online at www.kidsmiracles.org/cherismith - anything helps! thank you to all that have already donated towards this wonderful cause - you all have made such a huge difference in so many families and children's lives.
Run For The kids!
singing off - Cheri
